Every once in awhile as a parent you wake up and realize that what you're doing as a parent isn't working. We seem to have these moments every 3 or 4 months, then we have to figure out where we got off course.
I believe that parenting should be deliberate. Just as God had a plan during creation, we must have a plan for our families if we are to succeed. I'm writing this primarily for my benefit to serve as a reminder. It's taken several weeks to compile all of this, and there's several areas where I'm not doing as good of a job as I should.
Following are a few of the principles that Lisa & I are attempting to implement in our home.....
First, and most important, is the principle that we are here for more than to just "live" or "get by" - we are here for the express purpose of serving Christ. This is the foundation that we are trying to instill in our boys every day. "Stuff" is nice, but "stuff" eventually fades. Only one thing brings eternal reward - service to Him. It is paramount that my boys see Christ modeled in our home.
Next, decide while your children are young that you are the parent, and they are the kids. You are the boss, and your job is to train your kids. You can't do that if they are running the house! You have tough decisions to make and implement, and the earlier that your establish your authority the more effective you will be. If you never assume your parental role you will never have your child's respect, and you will not have a peaceful home.
Third, get on the same page concerning your parenting techniques and goals! Support each other, and know what the other parent is doing, thinking. It is imperative that you show a united, consistent front to your kids. He finds security in your unity - even if he's upset about a decision for a moment, the security that you provide will impact him for his entire life.
Dad, take the lead! You are given the responsibility to lead your family. This means that you must lead in both the good and bad times, through the easy and the difficult. Be your kid's biggest cheerleader. Take the lead in instruction and correction. Take the lead by becoming a servant-leader - you have a tremendous opportunity to teach your child by example! Don't sit on the sidelines - get in the game!
Next, figure out what makes your child tick. How does your child know that you love him? What do you do that makes your child feel loved? Be careful - this isn't what you think makes your child know they are loved - it's what your child recognizes that you do that makes him feel loved. This principle has changed our family's dynamics. As I mentioned earlier, parents are required to make tough decisions, and if your child doesn't know that they are loved they aren't going to be able to positively respond to your instruction or correction. I recommend The Five Love Languages for Children by Gary Chapman. Fill your child up with love, and they will be able to respond to your instruction. Become a student of what makes your child tick.
Big G recognizes that he is loved by words of encouragement - Lisa & I had to recognize that verbal criticism, even sometimes what we intended to be instruction, was tearing him apart. He needs to hear us affirm him, and know that we support him. He doesn't need inflated or false praise which he recognizes as fake, but he does need to know through our words that we love him.
Little G's love language is physical touch. He needs frequent hugs, frequent pats on the shoulder or head, needs me to pick him up and wrestle with him. Lisa and I had a difficult lesson to learn with Grayson in that he interpreted a pop on the hand or bottom as "mom and dad don't love me". We learned that he primarily needs positive reinforcement with lots of lovin' for his instruction and correction. More on this at the end.....
The preceding 5 items are so critical that I'll make the following statement: if your child has persistent behavioral, emotional, or obedience issues you need to examine the first 5 items as they relate to your family. I am convinced that many of the issues (but not all) that kids have stem from a lack of implementation of our God-given parental role in our families.
My job is not to make sure that my boys are happy. It's just not. I have made, and continue to make, decisions that my boys don't necessarily like. Don't mistake this for not desiring that my boys be happy - it's just not my job to provide everything and do everything to make sure that they think that they are happy. We've made a conscience decision to not go buy our kids the latest or greatest of just about anything. All of their desires and wants are not met. If I give them everything that they want as soon as they want it, how will they learn self-constraint from a culture that is driven by instant gratification? They must be prepared for the reality that their status in life will not start out at the same level as that of their parents.
My next thought coincides with the last: I must teach, by example, self control. Emotions are tough to control, and this lesson is best taught to young children. We systematically taught Big G, and are now teaching Little G, self control. When they're small, it's easy - when they pitch a fit, instruct them to go to their room, sit in a chair and fold their hands quietly until they have control of themselves. Verbally let them know that you love them, but that the loss of self control isn't acceptable. As our boys have gotten older, we now take away favorite things and privileges when necessary. This is a difficult lesson to teach because it is a difficult lesson to learn - I fail regularly. They must, however, learn this lesson, or life will be difficult. The longer that you wait to start this instruction, the more difficult it will be.
Teach them that every action has a reaction, and that their actions, both positive and negative, have consequences. We don't regularly reward good behavior, although we do frequently try to verbally point out and affirm it. We attempt to base the boy's privileges on the level of responsibility that they are displaying, and good behavior and honesty earns trust - and we verbally affirm this. We do attempt to always present the consequences of bad behavior as a choice that our child made. That way, I'm not the bad guy, and they learn that they can control many consequences simply by making the right decisions.
Make the consequences match the action. Don't over-react to bad behavior, don't set unrealistic behavior goals, and don't loose it when your child makes a mistake. Don't take away everything they own for a minor infraction. They're human just like you.
Make your home a refuge. Your child needs a place where they are loved no matter what. They need a place where they can experience success and failure, and learn from both. It's hard to watch your kid set himself up for failure, but it's a necessary part of learning. Failure breeds success, and they need the opportunity to learn to not give up. You can't do everything for them - you're hurting them if you do.
Be patient and kind. Your child needs a voice of reason during their storms. They need you to remain level-headed and calm in strife and difficult situations, and if you can maintain your composure, they will learn to do the same. This is easy to say, but difficult to implement....
On to discipline.... We have several people in our lives who imply every time that we see them that we don't spank our boys enough. They will never read this, but I'm going to address it. Honestly, spanking is the last resort in our home, used only after multiple options have failed. Spanking means a couple of firmly-placed swats to the seat of instruction, and should never be done in anger. I know a whole lot about growing up in an environment where spanking was the first and usually only option, and it's not a pleasant experience. A child's behavior sometimes mandates spanking, and you as their parent recognize these situations. I encourage you to be cautious, especially if your child's love language is physical touch.
Be ready to change. My role as a dad is changing for my oldest son - I already find myself acting as an advisor to him in certain situations. He's growing up, and he must possess the ability to make decisions. I'm still his dad, and I'm still responsible for him, but the capacity in which I serve is starting to change.
Know when to ask for help, and be open to listen to advice. You don't have the answer for everything. It's important to have people in your life who will allow you can say "I don't know what to do, can you help?" And there are children who need more help than you can give. If your child has displayed long-term emotional or behavioral issues, or an inability to control himself - and you've adapted your parenting techniques, you're unified in your approach, you've been consistent, you're speaking your child's love language, and you've exhausted your resources - you may need to consider seeking professional help for you child. I want to reiterate that some kids truly need help, and you know in your heart if your kid falls into this category. If this is your child, your family, and you've done everything you know to do - seek assistance. You can alter your child's life, and give your family peace.
Finally, be a "big picture" parent. A big picture parent realizes that the end goal is more important than the child's current behavior. Big picture parenting realizes that your child will leave your home one day, and it's your responsibility to raise a mature, productive member of society and servant of Christ. Focus on the big picture!
I could write much more, but since this post is already much more than a "post", I'll stop. Parenting is sometimes hard, but I want to encourage you to hang in there. Make the tough decisions because you love your kids, and because you're handicapping them if you don't. Follow through, be consistent, HAVE FUN, show them that they are loved in the way that they recognize it. Pray, pray, pray...
